1. Who angers, confuses, saddens, or disappoints you, and why? What is it about them that you don’t like?
I am ____angry___ at ___my dad_because _he died and left me in chaos_. I don't like that he was so weak and selfish as to leave me.
2. How do you want them to change? What do you want them to do?
I want ___dad___ to ____be alive_________i wish he hadn't died__. I want him to take responsibility and keep his agreement to me as a parent.
3. What is it that they should or shouldn't do, be, think, or feel? What advice could you offer?
_______dad shouldn't____have died and left me in chaos____.
4. What do they need to do in order for you to be happy?
I need_____dad___ to __be here for me___.
5. What do you think of them? Make a list.
_____dad____ is _selfish irresponsible mean weak.
6. What is it that you don't want to experience with that person again?
I don't ever want to ____feel abandoned, be left alone, have a good man disappear on me_be let down by a man or a good friend or feel disappointed in anyone____.
Investigate each of your statements using the four questions and the turnaround below. The Work is meditation. It’s about awareness, not about trying to change your thoughts. Ask the questions, then take your time, go inside, and wait for the deeper answers to surface.
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know that it's true?
How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
Who would you be without the thought?
Then turn it around (the concept you are questioning), and don't forget to find three genuine, specific examples of each turnaround. Each turnaround is an opportunity to experience the opposite of your original statement and see what you and the person you've judged have in common. A statement can be turned around to the opposite, to the other, and to the self (and sometimes to "my thinking," wherever that applies). Find a minimum of three genuine, specific examples in your life where each turnaround is true.
#1. I am ____angry___ at ___my dad_because _he died and left me in chaos_. I don't like that he was so weak and selfish as to leave me.
Yes i am angry. it is true. Did he die, yes. Did he leave me in chaos, yes. Was he weak and selfish, no. did he leave me, no. He just died.
I feel resentment, I feel anger, I feel sad, I attract other experiences so I get to feel abandoned over and over again, when i feel the emptiness i eat, I try to find happiness outside of myself.
Without this thought I would be at peace. I would be in acceptance of all that is. I would be forgiving. I would be more loving. I would be less fearful of it happening again, I would no longer attract the experience because I would be in full acceptance of it. I would be happy and more of me. I would allow it to be what it is even if it happened again. And I would not leave myself as a way to experience it over and over.
TURN AROUND:
1. I am angry at myself because a part of me died and left me in chaos.
2. I am not angry at my dad because he did not die and did not leave me in chaos. He died and left me exactly where I was supposed to be.
3. I'm not angry at my dad because he was suppose to die and leave me in chaos.
SECOND PART OF THE STATEMENT TURN AROUND:
1. I don't like when I am weak, when I am selfish and when I leave mySELF.
2. I accept when i am weak and selfish and sometimes feel dying would be easier. It is ok when I leave me as sometimes that is necessary in order for me to find myself again.
3. I accept that he was weak and selfish to die and leave me. He had Cancer. And it was his right.
#2. I want ___dad___ to ____be alive_________i wish he hadn't died__. I want him to take responsibility and keep his agreement to me as a parent.
YES/No
I long for something totally out of my control. I feel out of control. I feel bad.. i feel left alone.. left out.. fatherless..flawed because of it.. judgmental, justified, look for ways to control.. eating.. cleaning.. telling other ppl what to do.
Without this thought I would be much more accepting of what is and of others.. i would accept others exactly as they are where they are.. less judgmental about where they are. i would be more FREE.
TURN AROUND
1. I want ME To be alive, i wish I hadn't died and I want myself to take responsibility and keep my agreement to myself as a parent/nurturing being.
2. I don't want my dad to be alive, I'm happy he died and I don't need him to take responsibility and don't need him to keep his agreement to me as a parent.
3. I want to be alive for him, i wish i hadn't died to him, and i want myself to take responsibility and keep my agreement with him.
#3. Dad shouldn't____have died and left me in chaos____.
YES/NO
Angry, self righteous, victimized, i get ridged with others and my rules about how they should "be there for me"
Without this thought I would be my best self. I wouldn't feel like a victim.
TURN AROUND
1. Dad was supposed to die, he lived out his life and it was his time. He was supposed to leave me in chaos. it has made me who i am today.
2. Dad was there for me as much as he could be and i get to keep that. He hasn't died inside me and all the gifts he gave me are alive inside me as well.
3. I part of me was supposed to die and I was left in chaos in order to find my strength and power.
#4. I need_____dad___ to __be here for me___.
NO/NO
Angry, I have to do EVERYTHING by myself or it wont get done. Justified, self righteous, judgmental, disappointed in others, give up, don't expect much, settle for less. Indifferent.
Without this thought I would be ok how i am. I would be in acceptance of what is instead of shut down to the fact that he is not here and there's nothing i can do about it. There is something i can do about it and that is to question whether i NEED him to be here for me... no i do not otherwise he would be.. so i MUST be good as i am. I am ok.
TURN AROUND
1. I need ME to be here for ME.. and that gets to be my CHOICE not a have to.
2. I don't need dad to be here for me, otherwise he would be./My dad IS here for me.
3. I need to be there for my dad. I feel connected to my dad.
#5._____dad____ is _selfish irresponsible mean weak.
NO/NO
Angry, i project these feelings on other people in my life. Feel disappointed in others, judgmental, I'm sure i cut myself off from intimacy and am not the best friend i can be because of it.
Without that thought I would be free, happy, not feel like a victim, feel more confident in others and myself.
TURN AROUND
1. When I see him as those things I am being selfish irresponsible mean and weak
2. Dad was not selfish irresponsible mean and weak
3. I accept dad for being selfish irresponsible mean and weak. and it's ok.
#6. I don't ever want to ____feel abandoned, be left alone, have a good man disappear on me_be let down by a man or a good friend or feel disappointed in anyone____.
YES/NO
Desperate, fearful, out of control, i get crazy, panic, anxiety, bite my nails, stop taking care of myself, put all my attention on HOW they are ABANDONING ME, take all focus off of myself, stop taking care of my needs, get sad, depressed. spiral down, feel overwhelmed, stop taking care of my business. Feel disconnected.
Without that thought I would be content in each moment. And happy and appreciative for what is right now.
TURN AROUND
1. I am willing to feel abandoned, i am willing to be left alone, i am willing to have a good man disappear on me, i am willing to be let down by a man or a good friend and i am willing to be disappointed by people.
2. I look FORWARD to feeling abandoned, i look forward to being left alone, i look forward to having good men disappear on me, i look forward to being let down by a man or a good friend and i look forward to feeling disappointed in people.
"People with leave or they will stay. In any case, I stay." Byron Katie
